Overprotecting Children's Feelings

I've talked about children and self-esteem a few times in this blog, and this week's featured interview, with Dr. Stanley Greenspan, on "Body, Mind and Child", has got me thinking about the topic again.

Einstein said that a person who never made a mistake had never tried anything new. I really like that sentiment because, after all, we know how successful Einstein was. Obviously, then, the road to success involves mistakes. But many of today's parents worry that their children's self-esteem will suffer -- and perhaps their futures as well -- if they should have to endure failing, losing, or making a mistake, all of which have come to be equated with disaster. To avoid this, parents often make their children's decisions for them, complete their homework, resolve their conflicts, and let them win every board or backyard game.

While I was doing research for A Running Start, I came across Kimberly Swygert's blog, "Number 2 Pencil," and her story about the workforce experiences of two "coddled kids." First was the 24-year-old car salesman who didn't get his annual bonus because of his poor performance. Both of his parents arrived at the company's regional headquarters and sat outside the CEO's office, refusing to leave until the CEO met with them! Then there was the 22-year-old pharmaceutical employee who didn't get the promotion he wanted because, according to his boss, he needed to first work on his weaknesses. Because he was a Harvard graduate who had excelled at everything he'd ever done, he was devastated. His parents, however, were sure they could find a way to fix it,  as they had fixed everything for him in the past. His mother called the Human Resources Department the next day 17 times, demanding a mediation session with her, her son, his boss, and a representative from Human resources.

Yes, these are extreme examples. But they're becoming increasingly common.

At an annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association, Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan reported on his study of hundreds of infants whom he had followed for five years at that point. His conclusion was that parents' overprotectiveness creates anxious children. In contrast, he said, the children of parents who had imposed limits on their behavior didn't show fearfulness. At the same meeting, psychiatrist Michael Liebowitz stated that "overprotectiveness brings out the worst in kids." Liebowitz is head of Columbia University's unit on panic disorders and said that he finds that "an unusually high proportion of panic patients report having had overprotective parenting in childhood."

At the other end of the spectrum we have children who are allowed to work out conflicts on their own and to fend for themselves. They learn independence and resilience. When trusted to take responsibility -- even if that means some failure and mistakes -- kids gain the courage to make decisions and the gumption to get back up again when life knocks them down.

It's not difficult to ensure these kinds of experiences for kids. When they play on their own, they learn to solve their own problems, negotiate, resolve conflicts, and figure things out. They experiment, take calculated risks, and test themselves. They are free to discover their weaknesses, as well as their strengths, and to determine what matters enough to continue working at.

Play is the only arena in which a young child gets to be in control -- in charge! But it has to be child-directed, not adult-directed, play. That means the child freely chooses the activity and how it's to be done. There are no rules other than those she may choose to make up. And if something goes wrong (the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole, for example), let her attempt to figure it out for herself. If she turns to you for assistance, you can help her understand why, but wait for her to try before telling her it won't work and that she has to put a round peg in a round hole.

Naturally, I'm not a proponent of continual failure. As with most other aspects of life, there's a balance to be achieved! It's hard to watch your child do something incorrectly and resist the urge to fix it. No one wants to see their child struggle, even momentarily! But if you refrain from "fixing" everything for him, whether it's as small an issue as telling him where to put the pegs or as large an issue as doing his homework for him, he'll learn to be self-directed. Moreover, he'll be willing to try and try again. He'll become resilient, and that will serve him well.