Should parents play with their children?

Wow, according to a story this week in the Boston Globe, anthropologist David Lancy contends that parent-child play has been "virtually unheard of throughout human history" and that "American-style parent-child play is a distinct feature of wealthy developed countries -- a recent byproduct of the pressure to get kids ready for the information-age economy." Lancy's point seems to be that adult-child play isn't as important to human development as its proponents make it out to be. After all, parents in other parts of the world don't interact in that way; and their children turn out fine.

That may be true, but I for one am not backing down on my contention that parents need to play with their children, starting from the time they're babies. With infants, bonding, language, and touch are involved. Americans generally are a "low-touch" society, and games like pattycake at least ensure more skin-to-skin contact. When parents play with older children, they not only serve as playmates for their kids; they also serve as role models. By taking the time to play, they demonstrate that they consider play to be important!

Of course, I do want to issue a caveat or two here. By its very definition, play should be fun and child-directed. That means if a parent is intent upon playing with a child only for the purpose of advancing her physical or mental skills, it's probably not true play. In true play, children choose what and how they want to play and the adults follow their lead.

Also: Not long ago, a young mother asked me if it was okay if she occasionally let her children play by themselves. For a few moments, I genuinely didn't understand the question. Then I realized that she was laboring under the misconception that she was somehow failing her children if she wasn't always overseeing or participating in their play. Unfortunately, it's a misconception under which many of today's parents labor.

I'm here to tell you that your child will be just fine if you let him play without your constant guidance or participation -- for a lot of reasons! Among them is the fact that we want our children to grow up to be autonomous people!  A child who hasn't had plenty of opportunity to be independent, self-directed, and self-sufficient isn't going to suddenly acquire such traits as an adult. Nor is the adult who never learned to play as a child going to know how to keep himself entertained. Moreover, that adult won't be able to demonstrate playfulness to his own children.

Imagine if, during your own childhood, your parents had joined you and your friends for all of your play! Then, when the horror of that subsides, remember that you don't have to involve yourself in every aspect of your child's play because other parents are doing it. Nor do you have to completely excuse yourself from your children's play just because an anthropologist says parent-child play isn't common in other parts of the world. The key, I guess, is the same as it is in so many other life situations: finding the balance!

Comments

[Andrew]

It's not only good for the kids, it's good for grown-ups too. I've found that a lot of the day's tension starts to fade after ten minutes of pushing a toy car around or stacking blocks. Some of that stuff is unexpectedly fun!

[rae]

Excellent point, Andrew! The world would be a happier place if we all occasionally remembered what it's like to be a child at play!

[Jenn]

I think that's a really important part to drive home. I've talked to lots of mom's who have extreme guilt over letting their kids play by themselves. I play with my twins (almost a year old), but most of the day they play by themselves. I stay around to supervise and keep them out of trouble, but they play. When they want me, they come over and we'll play together for awhile. I like to think it's helped them become more independant and they definitely can amuse themselves.

P.S. I really enjoyed your book; I'm glad I got a chance to review it.

[rae]

When and how do you suppose parents (mostly moms) became convinced that they had to play with their children all the time and that not doing so made them bad parents?? Any theories, readers?

[Betsy]

I had a hard time playing with my daughter. I'm just not interested, and more than that, I find it boring and somehow taxing all at once.

Now, we certainly had loads of fun playing with words and such. I adored her learning of language and she was adept and funny. We read together for hours on end. But when it came to stringing a ball of twine across her room and loading up a basket of animals and sailing it across - woops, it broke, gotta fix it - I am lagging even as I write about it - I just told her THAT kind of play is what friends are for.

It seems people often make the mistake of thinking that because children need supervision, they must need management, too. Not true, as Rae so clearly points out.

[Melitsa]

When I think of my childhood there were some things I enjoyed playing with my parents and other things like knock down ginger- I definitely didn't.

The childhood games we played we don't always encourage in our children- why is that? I still love to hear tales about what I loved playing and doing when I was little with my parents and am hoping to try or show more and more of them out with my kids.

Sometimes I think it's a lack of knowledge about the things you can do and the things that allow your child to be creative in their play. Parents worry and then we follow the herd of "what's popular"
My post on Childhood games gives another perspective on children playing without parents.

http://play-activities.com/blog/2007/08/02/childhood-games/